Page 16 - PR Mag Feb19

Dear Alice

Can you be

Unlovable?

Dear Alice,
My boyfriend and I have been together for a about a year or so, things were going well and we fell in love. A couple
of months ago, due to a few unrelated issues, he started to spiral downwards into a total mental breakdown.
He has broken up with me a couple of times and most recently when we were discussing where it all went wrong
he told me the he thought there must be something wrong with me, for me to love him. He said that he hates
himself and cannot see why I would stay with him. Is it true what they say, does he need to learn to love himself
before he can love anyone else? I want to be with him, but I can’t take the merry-go-round much longer.
Clare

Hi Clare, thank you for writing in! This is a complex case because we are dealing with some deeply rooted issues. Let’s make one thing
clear, low self-esteem does not mean that you are unlovable. The old colloquialism “you have to love yourself before anyone else can love
you” is not exactly true. People are inherently lovable, even in their worst mental health moments. A mother does not stop loving their
child when they misbehave, do they? Love is without judgement. Now let’s touch on your boyfriend’s thought distortion. Sometimes it’s
helpful to conceptualise negative self-talk as that “little devil on your shoulder”, his little devil is telling him that he is unworthy of love.
When you believe your own negative self-talk, it becomes like a hard-wired fact. So, when you give your boyfriend unconditional love, you
are disputing that fact and calling into question something that has been believed for a long time. Holding opposing beliefs in your mind
creates cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is so uncomfortable, it demands action. The little devil on his shoulder is jumping up
and down, screaming “I’m right, she’s wrong”, and your boyfriend may ponder... ‘well that little devil knows me so well, that little devil has
been with me for years, that little devil must be right’. That little devil won this round, but he doesn’t have to win the war. Relationships
can be very healing. Let’s get back to the cognitive dissonance, instead of following that little devil blindly down a dark path, one could
stop and turn it all around. Your boyfriend could hold the two beliefs and choose to reject his own belief and incorporate the belief that
he is indeed lovable. Changing any thought pattern requires persistence over time. Unfortunately, your boyfriend is not going to heal
overnight; but by working on challenging his preconceived notions, and by being kind to himself, he can heal over time. Each time he
thinks of something negative about himself, he needs to combat it with this mantra: “I am worthy of love, just as I am”. Now Clare, you
are not his therapist; you are not responsible for anyone’s mental health (other than your own). You cannot heal him. You can help him,
by supporting him to access help from a G.P. and psychologist and you can continue to show him unconditional love. Just know that,
regardless of what you do, this is his path to walk and only he can choose which path to follow.

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