Page 28 - PR Mag May19

Dear Alice

Let me Support You

Dear Alice,
My girlfriend hasn’t been acting like her usual self, she has been quite upset lately and has been taking it out on me. After she
acts out she is always apologetic and I forgive her. I know that she has had some significant trauma throughout her life but she
never wants to tell me about what actually happened to her. I want to be supportive but I don’t know how much more of it I can
take. I worry that by giving her a free pass every time I am just enabling her bad behaviour. How can I be supportive without it
tearing us apart?
Caleb

Hi Caleb,
I want to firstly acknowledge that healing is not a linear journey. Despite how much time has passed, people’s trauma can be
triggered at any time and bring along with it a recurrence of their adaptive trauma responses. It is not our place to judge people
for their response to trauma, as it affects everyone differently. We need to offer understanding that the coping mechanisms people
adopted in response to their trauma serve a purpose, whether they are ‘healthy’ or not. In the same breath, it cannot be used as
an excuse for treating others poorly; but it can simply provide context to why people behave in certain ways. Recent research has
shown that the therapeutic approach of “talking it out” is a myth. Forcing people to re-live their trauma can actually re-traumatise
them, so please do not solicit anymore information than what people freely offer. The gory details have no bearing on how the
event(s) impacted someone’s psyche. It may be helpful to conceptualise trauma-recovery like an algebraic equation; you do not
need to know the value of X to work out the answer. Most types of trauma are relational (humans harming other humans), so
providing a safe space within a relationship can provide the opportunity to re-wire the brain and heal. This is the part where you
can help. It’s important that you renegotiate your boundaries and stop serving as the “punching bag” of uncomfortable emotions.
Instead of reacting in the moment, it may be more useful to speak/draw/write/acknowledge what is going on inside oneself. It’s
okay for people to say “I’m feeling a lot and as a result I want to hide under the doona and push you away” to which the other
may say “I understand and I’m here when you’re ready to come out again”. In this example the person that has been triggered
is communicating to the other what is going on inside of them in the moment, the other is acknowledging, providing a safe,
supportive and trusting environment for the person to work through that difficult moment. There is a lot happening within the
trauma theory space, and it has revolutionised how we treat people. You are not expected to manage this situation on your own
and there are fabulous professionals in the community that can provide assistance. Consider giving the Blue Knot Foundation
Helpline a call on 1300657380 for support; or check out their website www.blueknot.org.au for more information.
Don’t forget to take care of yourself along the way.

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