Page 18 - PR Mag May19

Written by
Koa Whittingham
Psychologist and
Research Fellow,
The University of Queensland
Amy Mitchell
Research Coordinator,
The University of Queensland

The Shame Game:

Why it’s Time to End the ‘Mummy Wars’

We need to actively build a Mother culture grounded in safety and acceptance

Women experience shame and judgement from the earliest Shame is toxic
moments of motherhood. Mothers commonly experience shaming Of course, our social world is much more complex than the
in connection with childbirth and infant feeding, regardless of the animal world. We have evolved to be conscious of other people’s
type of birth they had or the feeding method used. The existence perceptions of us. Most of our social threats are not physical, but
of “mother guilt” is so well acknowledged by social commentators threats of rejection or the loss of our social place.
it is almost a cliché. The social threat and shame are particularly toxic for new mothers,
But the experience we call “mother guilt” is not really guilt at all. who often already feel socially vulnerable as they try to adopt a
What we are really talking about is shame; a painful emotional new social role. Shame and the submissive response strategies that
experience that can make us feel unworthy, unattractive, disliked instinctively swing into action can trigger low mood, anxiety and
or likely to be rejected. Although we can feel both at the same time, stress, and make us vulnerable to depression. Women who want
shame and guilt are quite different experiences. to breastfeed but can’t, for instance, are particularly vulnerable to
An environment rife with shame is a fertile breeding ground for postnatal depression.
conflict, pitting mother against mother. Shame also triggers instincts to conceal; to protect yourself from
Where does shame come from? further social threats. In such an environment, we are unlikely to
Evolutionary theory gives us a useful framework to understand the ask for help, instead seeing our mistakes and failures as harbingers
mother shame culture, and clearly distinguishes between shame of our social rejection.
and guilt. The third impulse that shame creates in us is the instinct to fight
Guilt plays an important role in our capacity to be care-givers. It back. While understandable, the instinct to aggressively defend
discourages us from harming others and prompts us to repair the against the threat by fighting back against those we perceive
harm we have done. Guilt is unpleasant but it’s an important part as responsible for our shaming experience further entrenches a
of our moral life. shaming culture.
Shame, in contrast, is how we respond to social threat. For most The so-called “mummy wars” are not only the result of our evolved
animals, a social threat equates with physical aggression. So instinctual response to shame, but also a breeding ground in which
our evolved strategies for managing social threat are the kinds fresh shaming experiences are created. It is a vicious cycle.
of responses that were useful to our ancestors when they were Lay down your weapons
being physically threatened: escape and hide, adopt submissive Calling for an end to specific shaming experiences is not enough.
behaviour towards the attacker, or fight back. And we must be careful not to succumb to our own aggressive
As a result, shame primes us for concealing, submissive and impulses. Instead, we need to actively build a mother culture
aggressive behaviour. It triggers a heady mix of humiliation, defeat, grounded in safety and acceptance.
sadness, anxiety and anger. We may find ourselves hiding away, If mothers are to successfully negotiate the steep learning curve
internalising the criticism and feeling fundamentally flawed within of early motherhood, they must be free to experiment flexibly. To
ourselves, or aggressively fighting back against those we perceive make mistakes. To ask for help. And to grow into their new roles.
as responsible for our shaming experience. New mothers must feel safe and accepted within the social milieu.